Clothing

14 Halloween Costumes That Will Prove You’re The Smartest Person At the Party

Sometimes it’s not enough to just be the sluttiest bumblebee or the tongueist Miley Cyrus at a Halloween party. Sometimes you hunger for a little je ne sais quois in your masquerade apparel. Sometimes you like to use je ne sais quois in casual conversation. Maybe you’re an asshat, or maybe you’re just too cool for school. Regardless, here’s 14 costumes that will ensure that everyone you encounter on Halloween will know that you have a liberal arts degree and you’re not afraid to use it.

1.oliveknope

Sickening white trench coat
Elbow-length sharkskin gloves
“I Love Pawnee” button
Weave laid like gold and silver.

Costume: Olivia Knope

My friend Thomas wrote on Facebook that this costume should also come with a stack of waffles and anyone wearing it should constantly shout “These waffles are handled!”

2.

Red polka dot dressAndy is SHOCKED!
Guitar
“I Love Pawnee” button
Shoeshine kit
White puffy gloves

Costume: Minnie Mouserat

3.
dowager
Maggie Smith wig
Edwardian gown
Surly expression
Bottle of Rid

Costume: Downton Crabby

Too far?

4.

White cape
White wig with an orchid in it
Sarong with X-Men logo
Mai Tai

Costume: Tropical Storm

I was going to put a picture of Halle Berry here but I can’t even. I just… I just can’t. I can’t. Even.

5.

Print out pictures of kidneys, livers, and hearts with green dots in the corner and orange borders that read “100ft away”.disapprove

Costume: Organ Grindr

Get it?! Organ Grindr!

6.

Duck lips darkwing
Black mask and cape
Wide brimmed black “Andie McDowell in 4 Wedding and a Funeral” hat
Insane white birther beard
Cammo pants

Costume: Darkwing Duck Dynasty

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

7.

Colorful bear costume
Stethoscope
404 error
Zero Right-wing support
John Boehner’s balls in a vice

Costume: Obamacarebear

8.

Blonde ringlet curls
An ill-fitting half-shirt
A gay pig named Glitzy
Go-Go juice
Scout’s life in your hands
A quiet dignity
A mockingbird

Costume: Honey Boo Boo Radley

This is the saddest costume of all.

9.bbq

Orange prison jumpsuit
A rogue chicken
Vampire teeth
Afro
Barbecue sauce on your titties

Costume: Orange is the New Blacula

10.

Orange prison jumpsuitzack-morris
A rogue chicken
Gigantic cell phone
Barbecue sauce on Slater’s titties

Costume: Orange is the New Zack Morris

“I threw my pie for Kelly Kapowski”

11.

Fairy wings
Pixie dust
A copy of Feminism Theory
Zero time for the patriarchy

Costume: Tinker bell hooks

This costume also doubles as a Masters thesis

12.

Huge wigandy
Heels kicked off
Wind beneath your wings
A copy of Feminism Theory
A New Anti-racism Attitude

Costume: Patti Labelle hooks

13.hipster_belle

A stack of books, including Feminism Theory 
A dying rose
A French accent
A rich prince-turned-Beast who is very aware of his privilege

Costume: Belle hooks

14.

Starfleet ensign’s uniform with a collegiate W on it
Pajama pants
Phaser
An expensive Philosophy degree

Costume: Wesleyan Crusher

A couple years ago, on Halloween, I dressed as Elton John. But because I’m black everyone thought I was Prince. I decided to change it up the next day (Halloween that year fell on a Thursday, a Friday, a Saturday, a Sunday and the following Saturday. It was like Hanukkah). I added a black bob wig to the costume and went as Willy Wonka. Everyone thought I was Prince. It’s hard to be a black person on Halloween, a holiday devoted to pop culture references and inappropriate amounts of skin-baring. You have to be zeitgeist-y and of-the-moment, but if the particular cultural moment doesn’t have a lot of black newsmakers it can be tricky. Community has a great running gag about this: Shirley, a black woman, dresses as Harry Potter and everyone thinks she’s Urkel. The next year she dresses as Glinda, but everyone thinks she’s Miss Piggy (this may also be a size joke, but I’m not here for that).

Last year I saw a black woman dressed as Snow White and I’m sorry, but I just have to put my foot down. The defining characteristics of Snow White are: fairest of them all, unhealthy love of apples, cult of little people and… skin as white as snow. If you’re a black woman with a black bob hairdo, cap sleeves and you’re holding produce, you’re not Snow White. You might be Michelle Obama, but you’re not Snow White. That’s like me shaving my head and putting on a suit and saying I’m Lex Luther. Baby, you ain’t Lex Luther; you’re Kareem Adbul-Jabar.

But this post isn’t even about race; this post is about costumes. And these costumes, hallelujah, will fight the tools of oppression! Because even if people don’t know who you’re supposed to be, once you explain it to them, they’ll be sufficiently chastened by your superior wit to point out that your Leelo Dallas get-up actually looks more like Lisa Left-Eye Lopes.

rericthomas.com

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